Baby of May / I'm Angry ...

Can’t even get on physically. I have been mad about this since 10/9/04. I was in throbbing pain after going dancing with Kay. How can I move on even in small ways when I still feel pregnant, sometimes worse than pregnant as my body is going to take 4 – 6 weeks to return to normal.

Baby of May / Post partum, with no baby…

To feel where you once resided throbbing, aching without you. A hollow feeling of loss deep within me. I see now that you are leaving your mark inside me. As the days go by and I feel your pounding a little less and less I will remember my womb still trying to hold on to you even after you were gone. For now you are in God’s trusted arms to grow up in the best place you could ever be. You will be in every star I see and each flame I light for when it feels dark I know that you will be shedding your light on me.

Baby of May / I want concrete…

Facts they comfort me when chaos is all that is to be found. Check them off 1, 2, 3:

Not my fault – genetics
Hormonal – normal
Pain 4-6 wks. – normal

Baby of May / Did I cause her death?

It was after a bought of sickness that I lost baby of May. Driven to stay healthy I go to the Med Clinic. As my fear come out as tears and words of apparent ignorance the Doctor reassures me that sickness wouldn't have caused the loss of our precious baby of May. My clinical, rational side felt silly for asking, but something inside needed such affirmation. Angry and frustrated that yet again I would be less than my best for a holiday. To be sick without regret, is something I have yet to learn.

Baby of May / Finding peace…

Image by Kassel via Flickr

Is it God, is it me? His wisdom is being transcended to me, from me, and back again. A circle of love and caring that surrounds me. People, thoughts, picture, my husband and children all have joined this circle to add their part. Praise God, for his peace will carry me.

Baby of May / Joy at Santa’s Ranch

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

We had just gone through Santa's Ranch filled with over a Million lights. It was beautiful and we all sang Christmas carols. My heart was full of family joy. God transformed my days of mourning over our baby of May into new hope. I had another chance to co-create with God. My fear that I would never conceived again had vanished. The best part was the revelation that we truly are all children of God like Jesus. The time God’s given me to hold and raise one of His dear ones is the blessing. I would rejoice and hold dear this little life inside me whether it be for 10 weeks or for a life time. Hopefully too be parents again in late August.

12/20/04

Baby of May / Who to tell…

No longer the invincible baby making machine. Humbled by our loss I must choose carefully who we tell that we are only 4 weeks pregnant. After much thought I decided to tell those that are closest to us, for those that would share our sorrow may as well share in our joy.

12/20/04