Baby of May / I'm Angry ...

Can’t even get on physically. I have been mad about this since 10/9/04. I was in throbbing pain after going dancing with Kay. How can I move on even in small ways when I still feel pregnant, sometimes worse than pregnant as my body is going to take 4 – 6 weeks to return to normal.

Baby of May / Post partum, with no baby…

To feel where you once resided throbbing, aching without you. A hollow feeling of loss deep within me. I see now that you are leaving your mark inside me. As the days go by and I feel your pounding a little less and less I will remember my womb still trying to hold on to you even after you were gone. For now you are in God’s trusted arms to grow up in the best place you could ever be. You will be in every star I see and each flame I light for when it feels dark I know that you will be shedding your light on me.

Baby of May / I want concrete…

Facts they comfort me when chaos is all that is to be found. Check them off 1, 2, 3:

Not my fault – genetics
Hormonal – normal
Pain 4-6 wks. – normal

Baby of May / Did I cause her death?

It was after a bought of sickness that I lost baby of May. Driven to stay healthy I go to the Med Clinic. As my fear come out as tears and words of apparent ignorance the Doctor reassures me that sickness wouldn't have caused the loss of our precious baby of May. My clinical, rational side felt silly for asking, but something inside needed such affirmation. Angry and frustrated that yet again I would be less than my best for a holiday. To be sick without regret, is something I have yet to learn.

Baby of May / Finding peace…

Image by Kassel via Flickr

Is it God, is it me? His wisdom is being transcended to me, from me, and back again. A circle of love and caring that surrounds me. People, thoughts, picture, my husband and children all have joined this circle to add their part. Praise God, for his peace will carry me.

Baby of May / Joy at Santa’s Ranch

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

We had just gone through Santa's Ranch filled with over a Million lights. It was beautiful and we all sang Christmas carols. My heart was full of family joy. God transformed my days of mourning over our baby of May into new hope. I had another chance to co-create with God. My fear that I would never conceived again had vanished. The best part was the revelation that we truly are all children of God like Jesus. The time God’s given me to hold and raise one of His dear ones is the blessing. I would rejoice and hold dear this little life inside me whether it be for 10 weeks or for a life time. Hopefully too be parents again in late August.

12/20/04

Baby of May / Who to tell…

No longer the invincible baby making machine. Humbled by our loss I must choose carefully who we tell that we are only 4 weeks pregnant. After much thought I decided to tell those that are closest to us, for those that would share our sorrow may as well share in our joy.

12/20/04

Baby of May / The best is now for tomorrow may never come…

My 3rd, our baby of May fell into the small box of what I thought the rest of my pregnancies would be. Doctors visits, body changes, loss of self, expensive, exhausting, physically demanding, time consuming with the only real joy to come at the end of the journey. Even after just the short 10 weeks I had with baby May it seemed like an eternity of sacrifice. I was angry that I had lost that time and that I would have to recover, try again then experience at least 9 months of a grueling pregnancy till we could have another baby. I knew nothing of baby May when she went to be with God. This was my grief, this was my sadness. I had to search my soul for any glimpse that God may have shown me. I had been to busy planning the sleeping arraignments, watching the medical bills and stressing out over how our lives would change. A 3rd was out of my comfort zone.

12/27/04

Baby of May / *Knowing the baby within…

Image via Wikipedia

God showed me...

Be not afraid to get to know the child that you carry within. For now is the time that I can share my vision with you for him. For once you start planning for his life and caring for him after birth your ears and eyes will only see what is before you. Don’t fret about tomorrow for you know neither the direction nor the circumstances of your life, only I do. Look beyond this world to see the visions I have for you and your life. A place of no regrets nor sorrows just a perfect peace. This is neither the day nor hour for you to know where your child and mine will carry out his life but a time to see him as I do. Plan not for his arriving for once you start planning you have locked your self into that reality and your fears of it not coming to pass cut off your desire to continue to seek and know them. Hold on loosely to the life you carry. For the joy, and the knowing is best found surrendered to a will that you have yet to know. The world can’t see it but this is where my peace is found. A hammock stretched between heaven and earth where my baby and I reside. To witch side my baby will go I can not know, but for now we will rest in the safety of the in-between. No baby can come with you to the earthen side till it is born so Moms that choose to stay to this side will only ever see a glimpse from a far away place of the baby they carry. This is why the pains of pregnancy and child birth are so strong for most connect to only what they can see and feel on the earthen side. Oh what a dim portrait of what I planned for mothers to see.

12/27/04

Baby of May / God’s Hammock…

Image via Wikipedia

Stay in God’s hammock between heaven and earth is the only place to be. Faith that God’s will is being carried out in both my life and the baby I carry. What a hard place to stay. The bitter truth of our frailties is disheartening. Reality has not changed; I have only entered into it. Oh, how peaceful and safe I felt believing that with each pregnancy I could do it better, that my experience and gained knowledge could save us from sorrow. I trust God with what is best; having all the pieces before him, but this doesn’t change the fact that my baby may not make it. This is maddening Lord. I feel likened to a child pining away to their Father only to be given silence as an answer. The Father says, you may have your baby if it is safe, if you are ready, and if I dare to part with this precious one. But Father, when will it be safe, what must I do to be ready and when will you tell me if you will part with our precious one? Just rest in my peace between heaven and earth and have faith that when my answer comes you can be comforted by them. To be ready my child gaze upon my face for your child is meant for great things that only I can tell you. As I share with you the plans I have for your child, his path will be made clear. Let your pains during this time center you with your baby in the hammock of my love as you surrender to my will between heaven an earth. Oh, Lord please give me the desire to rest in this place of unknown, for this is not where I want to be. Please show me the goodness of your love and light that I know in my head can only be found in you. Help my heart to make that leap.

12/29/04

Baby of May / For one or three ...

Oh, what burdens rise and fall upon me breast as I try to carry the weight of this babe to be. Mine to have, mine to hold, and mine to be blamed if it fall from old. Yes, I have created my own shame and pain by calling it all my own. This burden was never meant to be, for the children we carry have not yet been surrendered from God to me. For God is growing and developing the babe within, and rise or fall it may, but let that not fall upon our hearts for we are not the maker. Peace be still to mothers to be for such guilt was never meant to be. I must care for you and the child to be for I am the maker working inside of thee. Be still and know that I am God for my love is here before thee. Drink at my table, eat of my banquet for health and wealth and vitality is for thee. I have you near to share with me this time of great making of the baby too be, together we must work likened to hand and the foot. You must take us to the places the baby must be, while my hands work the dough inside of thee. Together we must work, yes you and me for I have chosen your womb for this babe to be. For you and me forever will be and this babe a making for one or three. I with my handiwork and you to me, a love, a peace is going to be. Peace be with you as I am working ever so diligently inside of thee. Wow, God just revealed the “One or Three” to mean for God or for me, Randy and the babe. Yes Heaven or Earth.

12/29/05

Baby of May / Shame...

Why do I feel such shame for days such as this? To me they happen to often as of late. Horrible pregnancy of 10 weeks only to end in a bloody mess, 6 weeks of heavy grieving to finally emerge in good spirits for about 6 weeks to find that I am pregnant again. Between the confusion of how to feel about the loss that is still so fresh and the fear that I could loss this one as well I am emotionally bankrupt. The physical signs of pregnancy don’t help as I am nausea in a way I never thought possible. I am now 13 weeks pregnant I am coming into a placing of believing that I will most likely have this baby. Oh, to be so sure, so confident that the baby that I carry will truly be mine. Each day I feel a little bit more confident but it is but a drop compared to the confidence I felt with my last three pregnancies. The joy was clouded. Oh how I want to prepare for this little life but there is no joy in it for the thoughts of the drawers being empty are greater. I feel like Abraham at the alter knife raise over my child waiting the Lords command. I am so tired of hold my hand raised ready to sever my child forever. 2/18/05

Baby of May / Remembrance Service

Today Petra, Kay and I will go to honor the life of our precious baby of May. I with joy at the life that I live and sadness for the life that was lost.

12/5/05