Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Accountability Partners for Leadership




Initial Interview
Why accountability?
1       1)   What do you believe about the Bible, prayer and being led by the Holy Spirit?  Do you think your views would line up with the beliefs of most of the leadership in this church?  Do you have any applications of God’s word that you think might be unique to you?  Do you think the rest of modern day Christians are wrong about certain things?   What do you believe Christ’s death and resurrection did to our requirement to follow the law?  If we are under grace rather than the law then to what benefit do we have in continuing to submit ourselves to the law?  If we are no longer under the full Islamic law of the Old Testament.  How do you know what aspects of the law you are to follow and what aspects are not required?  If God is still the same yesterday, today and forever then does this age of grace allow us to be in God’s presence, and be guided by His word and Spirit if we live continually seeking grace without true repentance?  Do you have aspects of your lifestyle that you know are against God’s law that you choose to participate in regularly.  For example:  Everyone in my family explodes at the drop of a hat that is just how we are.  God made me this way.  Therefore you have stopped repenting and trying to change.  Not only have you stopped repenting you now justify and defend your behavior.  Are you open to re-evaluating your justifications in light of God’s word and guidance of the Holy Spirit?
*You may need to stop and reassure the person you are interviewing that you are not trying to judge them.  They may be afraid to answer honestly if they struggle with wrong thinking about God’s word.  Remind them that you are only here to help them see themselves in light of God’s word.  It will be their choice to allow the Holy Spirit to convict.  It is important as the interviewer to NOT try and persuade them to right thinking.  Speak truth, from the Word.  If you sense resistance write a note to yourself that this is an area of you will pray for them to have a break through.  Remind yourself you have sewn God’s seed, you must water it with prayer and possible fasting.  Resorting to many words to convince them will only fuel their fire to defend their position.*

2)      2)  What do you believe the bible says about the standard leaders are to be held to?  Let’s have a look at some verses.  OK now that we know, let’s unpack these verses.  How do you see that you measure up?  Is God calling us to a level of perfection no man can attain?   If not, what are we to do when we have moments, days or season where we are not meeting this standard?  Is our only choice to step down, hide it or quit?  If not what are our options?


3)     3)   Do you believe that accountability could help you be the leader God intended you to be?





4)     4)  What hang-ups or preconceived ideas do you have about accountability that makes it less than desirable?  For example I already have a nagging wife, I know my faults all too well, and my dad never stopped pointing them out.  What I like about being an adult is not answering to anyone.  Be prepared to show empathy and reinforce that criticism is not in and of itself helpful for growth.  Be prepared to share verses about how authority misused to dominate causes pain and suffering.  Be prepared to pray and break the lies that have been spoken over this person.  You may want to set a separate time to pray and seek God’s healing as you don’t want to move to quickly and negate the Holy Spirits moving.


5)     5)  What do you think good accountability would look like?  Have you ever experienced it?

What would you be accountable for?
6)     1)   What does your quiet time look like?  How often and for how long do you read/pray/praise.  What do you do to apply God’s word?  How often do you feel inspired by the word?  How often do you find yourself caught up by the Holy Spirit?  Delighted to be in God’s presence?  How often are you thinking about other things, bombarded with other thoughts, not able to even remember the words you have read?  Tell me of a time in your life when your quite time really spoke to you?  What was different?  In light of this conversation what do you want your quiet time to look like and how do you want me to keep you accountable?  *Help your interviewee to stretch themselves but be practical.
7)     
      2) What does your relationships with your wife and children look like?  Do you have areas in the way you respond to them that troubles you or them?  *Redirect the conversation if they try and point fingers at the poor behavior of those in their family.  For example:  Wow that would be hard to deal with.  I can see how that would be frustrating.  Let’s look at how you respond when that happens.  Is it helping or hurting the situation? Also if they bring up major issues you may want to refer them to getting some outside help.* Now that we have reflected on how you react to your family what would you like to be held accountable for?  *Keep this to a short list if they are seeing need for much change.  Remind them that trying to change too much at once would most likely lead them to a path of failure.  Now have them share what they are doing right in there relationships.  Add this to your list.  You want them to share the good they are doing weekly as well as the areas they struggle with.
8)     
      3) What does your relationship with yourself look like?  For example:  Do you push yourself to hard,  do you lack self-discipline,  do you have emotional issues, depression, mood swings, do you have some “go to” patterns of sin that are waying you down?  *I know this may seem heavy.  So let’s move on to what you feel you are good at, what you want to keep doing.* so what are the ways you are taking good care of yourself?




9)      4) How are you impacting those you have influence on?  *Let your interviewee know that good leadership will be a byproduct of them having success in the above 3 areas of their life.  For when we are free from the entanglements of sin and are listening to God he will lead us to lead.  So the abundance of opportunities they have had to influence or lack thereof will most likely be in direct proportion to how they pursue God’s path in these areas.
*Now this information should be converted into a concise bulleted document that can be used by both parties for accountability and prayer.  Now establish how and when you will meet.  You may decide to meet electronically weekly and just once a month face to face.  Be realistic.  You want this to be a help not a burden.  The interview process should be the longest meeting you have.  I recommend giving each person only 5-10 minutes per topic.  If a topic seems like it needs more time table it.  Then after both parties have shared in all areas you can decide if you have time to revisit the tabled topics.  You don’t want either party to be short changed nor do you want time to become a burden.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Boundary Setting



1) Write down the name of person you are struggling to establish boundaries with.

2) Write down issues that have caused you to feel your personal boundaries have been crossed.  Pray that the Lord would begin to heal the wounding this has caused.  For your pain and fear will stand in the way of your objectivity.  Pray the Lord give you strength to stand up for yourself.

3) Take that list and re-write it as boundaries you would like to have.  Remember to set small boundaries at 1st.  Ones you are confident that you will be able to follow through with.

4) Write down your action step when the other party does not respect those boundaries.  Be realistic.

5) Write down what you will get back for yourself and for your relationship if these boundaries were to be followed.

6) Tell a friend.  Be ready to adjust your boundaries and action step. 

7) Tell the person you are struggling with that you are sorry that you have not been predictable in how you respond.  That out of love for yourself and your relationship you are going to be working on your yes being yes and your no being no.  Tell them in love how you have let them take advantage of you.  Ask for forgiveness for how you have responded to feeling taken advantage of.  Be specific.  I am sure you have been ugly to them.  Example have you (nagged, guilt, stonewalled, manipulated, etc.) Ask for forgiveness for this.  NO SARCASM. Then tell them what your boundary will be and what your action will be if not respected.  This is not a threat.  This is just a fact.  Then open a conversation on what both of you think you could get back if this boundary is respected.  Don't judge, just listen to their view.  If they can't find anything positive to say empathizes with them that you understand that it will take time for them to adjust to this change.  Then change the subject.  Don't let them drag you down or try an talk you out of your boundary.  This is a great place to interject humor.  "Look at you trying to talk me out of my new convictions,  Ha you almost got me.  Not this time bro."

8)Be prepared for it to get worse before it get's better.  Be prepared to ask for forgiveness from this person every time they try and push you to let your boundaries down.  For example "I can understand why you keep ...  I have allowed this for a long time.  I am sorry I haven't been stronger in the past.  I am sorry that you are having to adjust to a new me.  But this boundary isn't moving nor is my reaction to your request.  Remember, I love you and more importantly I love us.  So again I have to say ..."  Now try and find humor and get off the topic.  A positive diversion is your best tactic at this point.  Remember your MO (nagging, manipulating, yelling, crying) DOES NOT work.

9)After they try and push your boundary go back and read/remind yourself of what you will get if this boundary is finally respected.  For you are just at the beginning of the race and you have a long way to go to get to the finish line.  It is worth it.  You are worth it.  Your relationships are worth it.  Keep pressing in and keep believing that one day you will win that race with your loved one at your side.