Baby of May / Baby of May, please hold on …

Sunday morning in my brother’s church I was fighting for my baby. Praying earnestly that she HOLD ON. I could see this sea of blood just trying to wash her away. I knew that it was just a matter of time. Holding on was soon to be out of anyone’s control.

Baby of May / Holliday Park…

It was a joy to be with my family, everyone playing, laughing and rejoicing with the lives that we all share.

Baby of May / Great Lightfoot Family Day…

We had a wonderful meal together and even when the kids got squirmy everyone just pitched in. What a load off.

Baby of May / Fishing for May…

The toilet, the toilet. My precious child fell into the toilet. I knew that if this were to happen that yes baby May would fall into the toilet, but at the moment it happened, how undignified, how shameful and embracing to have to pull your child from the toilet. Snatch her up as quickly as I could. A styrofoam cup in a pool of human waste. I saved my child from this place to stare upon this jiggle matter of blood and tissue. Once a pray was offered I had to let baby may go from hence she came. A clean bowl of water to be washed away once more. Gone from my sight but never forgotten. A memory of blood and tissue, and of course my child.

Baby of May / The seas of red washed May onto shore…

So hard to look at, all bloody and small. A baby, can I really call you a baby? Yes, yes. Dare you be anything but the baby that was suppose to be. Dreams, plans, oh so many plans, sacrifices made and others to be, why , oh why could you not hold on? Oh so small, the current was to fast. I can see that holding on was futile but why? Here I held you, fascinated by your perfectly protected home. Swimming in my clinical observations rather than embracing my child.

Baby of May / Mourn on Wednesday ...

What a joke. In a fog, I cleaned my house, read work e-mail and tryed to grieve. Like trying to have great sex when your not in the mood. Grief is not a faucet to be turned on and off. I am not sure how to fit it in my busy life. Will I tuck it way and be grieving forever like leaking tears? No, I say no. I have suffered greater things than this with less transparence. God will provide the windows and I will accept them as a gift of my healing.

Back to work. I put on make-up and dress nice for my 1st day back. Tell everyone in one fell swoop was my plan. Meet eyes with tears once and then get on with it. Remember, “keep your home life at home.”

Baby of May / The wrong person to cry with…

This should have been my husband that I was crying with.

The sadness and pain was all around me but I dare not let it out. Friends to see, love to be shared and children to be cared for. It can wait just one more day. A safe place is where I need to be. Flying soon, I can’t let go yet, it will soon be ok. I hug and hold my children as they sleep a tears fall on their check. Comfort is found in their tenderness. I have beautiful babies.