Baby of May / We can always have another one…

My husbands way of taking the pain away.

Baby of May / I want the telling over with…

Why did I have to tell so many people. I thought that since having a child and miscarriage were so common that dealing with it with others would be easier than less common losses. Well it just isn’t.

People are people and everyone reacts differently to loss even if it isn’t their own. I enter into every new telling with apprehension and fear. Fear of breaking down. Why must I shield my pain? My tears leak regardless of my efforts. Am I really sending people away by trying to hold in what is obviously coming out?

Baby of May / Sheilds Up ...

Who is more afraid of my pain, you or me? Trying so hard to keep it together while telling the world my sad news. Telling as a safeguard against further pain when you ask about my baby or wonder why I seem to have been pregnant for an eternity when I am actually pregnant for the 2nd time.

I hear your heart felt condolences. The 2nd time I see you it is awkward, not wanting to ask how I am, knowing that I may cry or really tell you what is on my mind. We dance around the elephant in the room and when I burst out and tell you your eyes shift in hopes of my bantering lasting only a few moments. I oblige your silent request with a shields up.

Baby of May / What about our babies…

Kay and Reye knew we were expecting. I told them that the baby was very sick and didn’t make it. Baby May is up in heaven. Kay wanted to know what made her sick, when May would be coming down. Kay thought that she had hurt baby May when she jumped on my tummy and Reye said the bad man got the baby. So young yet needing a answer to why we wouldn’t be having this baby.

Baby of May / He’s done, but here for me?

I was sad and felt isolated that my Husband was ready to move on so quickly. We weren’t together when it happened and the grief we shared together seems so guarded. How do I support him in his processing and not have it drive a wedge? God is good, we talked and I shared my disappointment. His heart is still the same but he understands and I feel less alone.

Baby of May / I saw Randy’s tears…

Randy shared with me that he saw baby May as our Guardian Angel. She had a life of no struggle and that is what she wants for all of us.

I pray that we will all feel and rejoice in her presence.

Baby of May / No one to cry with ...

Image by radarxlove via Flickr

Why? I had something deep and painful to share just yesterday but I have already moved in my thinking. For the tears aren’t really what I want to share with you, but my story. Permission to be needy, cry, be angry, not work, not fix dinner but most of all to be with the baby I birthed but do not hold. Yes, it takes time but if not given permission to do less their will be no time to give to dignity to the life I once carried. I see now that it is I that had to make give myself permission for you can only validate what I am doing. Thank-you.

“Dwelling on it makes it worse.” Sentiments that I felt from my husband. Loving, meaning well but concerned that I would fall into the glass only to come out angry, griping and without relief. I began to fear his fears only to be tranformed by the process for I am not staying in the anger and the sadness but letting God shed his light and truth on what it really is. Day by day I believe God will show me more and more of his glory in the mist of my spilled milk.