Day to Day / Best Pregnancy

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The Best Pregnancy Ever…

I believe this will be my best pregnancy ever. Wow, how different from my fears after loosing our baby of May. I can see it now.

I thought it could never be better than when I was pregnant with my 1st, Kay. I was excited, I read, journaling all my thoughts and feels but it was mostly about what was happening and changing inside me, the physical changes and the mothering instincts being birthed in me. I remember a few visions of what Kay would be but I started nesting so early that there wasn’t much room for those thoughts.

With my 2nd, Reye, I saw a few picture but actually pushed away thoughts of him as I was busy with a 6 month old and soon their after a demanding family hardship, the mold claim. Nothing was new so I just drifted through, not only the pregnancy but almost the 1st year of his life. He was an easy baby. All during this time I was saddened by this loss of connection but thought it was just the way of the second child, likened to that of your 2nd time to have ice cream. The bewilderment and amazement had worn off, left with only the taste, memory and sensation.

God knew that my hearts desire was to experience each child as it was my 1st. I had prayed this many times. I could never imagine that he could take to place even higher.

My 3rd, our baby of May fell into the small box of what I thought the rest of my pregnancies would be. Doctors visits, body changes, loss of self, expensive, exhausting, physically demanding, time consuming with the only real joy to come at the end of the journey. Even after just the short 10 weeks I had with baby May it seemed like an eternity of sacrifice. I was angry that I had lost that time and that I would have to recover, try again then experience at least 9 months of a grueling pregnancy till we could have another baby. I knew nothing of baby May when she went to be with God. This was my grief, this was my sadness. I had to search my soul for any glimpse that God may have shown me. I had been to busy planning the sleeping arraignments, watching the medical bills and stressing out over how our lives would change. A 3rd was out of my comfort zone. This was for Randy, his desire for a big family. I knew that I loved them once they were born but the fear and drudger of the pregnancy made his desire for a large family less than appealing.

My 4th pregnancy, the protector will definitely be the best pregnancy ever. It doesn’t matter if he fulfills his mission here on earth or on heaven for I am still co-creating him with God for the life he will have. Best of all God has shown me the precious gift of being pregnant. The revelation that life begins at conception and that I can know this little person through Gods revelations, even now. I get to learn how to train him up before he is born. Just as Mary was told of Jesus’ destiny, God desires to share parts of this mystery with all those he breaths life into.

This has also changed my view of the child that I lost. When told that our baby of May would not have made it due to genetic malformations I envisioned that it was God’s grace to have saved all of us from the thousands of malformed, dysfunctional babies born. A tragic gory picture with its only comfort that I wouldn’t have to live it. I believed that God took these poor defenseless, broken children and made them whole in heaven. But likened to my image of the day we would go up to heaven I envisioned that the child would know that it was broken and had to be mended. The child would know the grief of being separated from it’s family, a sad angel at best. Just like the leper that will be disease free when he goes to heaven. Now I see the unborn child differently, there is no imperfection to be found in the child of the womb, just destiny and purpose. God creates some life through us for heaven and some for earth, for we are the bearers of life for both.

I pray that God would begin to reveal the great plan he has for our precious baby of May, her life’s mission where she was destine to live, in heaven.

I think I will seek some Biblical counsel to be sure that this lines up with God’s word. My heart tells me it does, but the word will prove what is true.

Baby of May

12 August 2004 – 3 October 2004
By: Christy Klepetko (MOM)

Baby of May / The day you were conceived…

You were to be our 1st planned pregnancy. The IUD out on July 21st and I knew that August 12th could be the day. The kids in bed, Randy and I sharing kisses on the couch. A night to remember, nothing special, no candle light just the love shared after 5 years and two kids.

Baby of May / I knew you were apart of me…

Within four days I could feel my body making room for you. So excited and hopeful. I wanted to know right away. My lower back was tingling and I felt like I was swimming in the clouds. A new life had come to grow inside of me!

Baby of May / The pregnancy tests…

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In my excitement, and need for a confirmed explanation for all my symptoms, I took at least four home test and two at the Doctor’s office. Finally to have an answer on September 8th.

Baby of May / 1st trimester pains…

I had all kinds of fears that their might be something wrong. I was having 2-3 days at a time of right sided pain, pain when breathing, back and abdominal pain. I read my books and felt there was no cause for alarm as the pain was always mid – low grade and would stop after a couple hours or days. The Doctor told me that I was probably ok. We would do an early ultrasound but it was too early to see anything. I pushed these thoughts away to move on to happy ones.

Baby of May / I’m Invincible, let’s tell everyone …

Pains aside I knew that everything would be ok and soon we would have THREE lovely children. I was invincible. My body was good at making and caring for babies. Nothing would get in the way of this truth. I was helping to make Randy’s dreams come true for a large family. Stepping out into the unknown. Having been apart of a family with just one brother. Three was going to be a big change.

Baby of May / Where to delivery, changing OBs…

Our new insurance at CSRHC would pay very little of the birth if I stayed with my OB, Dr. Vernon Theis and delivered at NCBH. I struggled with spending the money to have him as my Doctor. This was a real sacrifice of time trying to fully understand our insurance and then calling prospective OB’s.

Baby of May / How old are you really?

Dr. Theis moved the due date by 11 days.
EDD: 5/7/04
EDD: 5/18/04

Baby of May / Everyone is sick ...

Just days before our trip to see my family in Indpls. IN everyone came down with a bad head cold. Coughing, sneezing, runny rose, the works. I was determined to get work taken care of, get everyone health and have a good time with my family.

Baby of May / Sleeping in a new place ...

Poor babies, were not so sure about going to sleep in Grandma’s bed. The door closed and up stairs. After seeing Reye’s sad eyes I decided to lay down with each child till they drifted off. What a tender time. I was happy that Kay was doing ok considering her dog allergy. Soon it would be my turn to sleep.

Baby of May / Well enough to travel…

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What a day, two kids, two car seats and two bags. Up at 5 am and on the plane by 8 am. Between all three of us in the airplane bathroom, my bag of tricks, and running time when we changed flights, we all made it. The nausea was running high, as unusual and I was exhausted.

Baby of May / Grandma Lightfoot’s House…

Baby of May / I’m sure it’s nothing, I’m bleeding…

Midnight, fast asleep I awake to go to the bathroom. I feel something strange and decide I better turn the light on. Sure enough, I’m bleeding. Too tired to think about it, I go back to bed. Certainly it is just the extra strain of travel. It will be over by morning.

Baby of May / It's Morning

The bleeding is so slight and my pain is minimal, I am sure that everything is ok. I sure wish I was home to see my OB. We call my Mom’s OB and she says to just take it easy. We take the kids to the park and my Mom takes off to a Doctor’s appointment of her own. No one to talk to I feel very isolated in this BIG beautiful park. Wondering how I am to relax with two little one’s that want to swing and no place to sit.

Baby of May / 12 hours later in the ER…

Well hours pass with no change so I call my OB in Texas to get some nurse that can only give me a vague answer but directs me to the ER.

Mixed news, cervix in tacked, HGL ok but low. I am to stay low. He must be joking. How do I do that while out of town with family I am just mending relationships with. I am certainly not going to lay around and ask to be waited on. The Doctor said that if it is going to happen there is nothing I can do about it anyway. In that case I may as well put it on the back burner and try and have a good time.

Baby of May / Staying low ...

To top it off on the stress load my Mom is criticizing me for not being more open and telling everyone that I was on my way to the hospital for a possible miscarriage. Yes let’s have Christy loss it with family she talks with maybe quarterly.

Still at the hospital I am informed that my Dad, that is separated from my Mom and getting stranger and stranger since his brain injury is going to meet us at the house after she picks me up from the hospital. Yes I said picks me up. We certainly couldn’t have the kids running about the hospital while she holds my hand. I love her and even like her but to console me during me deepest hour was just not something I could receive nor is it something she can really give. History doesn’t lie. We leak but never cry, smile rather than scream and grip the seat to pounding our fists.

Baby of May / It's a new day ...

The Hospital stay wasn’t really all that bad. We did what made sense. The kids were safe with mom and I knew they were in a better place than by my side. I’m a Mom not only to my baby of May but to Kay and Reye.

Baby of May / Dad’s visit came out good…

Support is found in the smiles of my children.

Thanks to Mom and Dad.

Baby of May / Watch, wait and PRAY!!!

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Going to the bathroom became an investigation. Is this a clot, no just a stringy bloody thing. No, I don’t see any tissue on the tissue. Stand up investigate the commode. Four days of checking and praying. Sometimes just to numb to pray and not knowing what to pray. For what’s best, no I just wanted it to be over as usual just let the baby be fine or let’s move on.

Baby of May / The truly happy times…

Greg, Laura, Michael, David, Danielle, Kay & Reye

Baby of May / Happy in the mist of lonely tears…

Image by Chrstopher via Flickr

I felt like a run away train on a mission of family and fun, but “by the way I am still bleeding today”. We went to the museum, the park, down town Indpls., a health fare and just talked about life. My potential miscarriage was but an item on the menu. Maturity, stupidity, survival who’s to say. I think my “Happy Face” says is all. It just sucks.

Baby of May / Help, but only if you want to…

If we only appeared this small in times of need. Rejection, criticism, flat out refusal cause me to ask for help in a soft voice. Physical burden in times of physical pain is often easier to carry than the rejection from a loved one. My mom was willing to help but I had to ask each time. Jokes were told at my expense. “Well I guess I can change his diapers.” and “We will find a way to get you home if you have real problems.” I didn’t even ask for me and the kids to stay longer but I knew that I would be airlifted at any expense. But all in good fun. What is the reason for such joking?

Baby of May / Baby of May, please hold on …

Sunday morning in my brother’s church I was fighting for my baby. Praying earnestly that she HOLD ON. I could see this sea of blood just trying to wash her away. I knew that it was just a matter of time. Holding on was soon to be out of anyone’s control.

Baby of May / Holliday Park…

It was a joy to be with my family, everyone playing, laughing and rejoicing with the lives that we all share.

Baby of May / Great Lightfoot Family Day…

We had a wonderful meal together and even when the kids got squirmy everyone just pitched in. What a load off.

Baby of May / Fishing for May…

The toilet, the toilet. My precious child fell into the toilet. I knew that if this were to happen that yes baby May would fall into the toilet, but at the moment it happened, how undignified, how shameful and embracing to have to pull your child from the toilet. Snatch her up as quickly as I could. A styrofoam cup in a pool of human waste. I saved my child from this place to stare upon this jiggle matter of blood and tissue. Once a pray was offered I had to let baby may go from hence she came. A clean bowl of water to be washed away once more. Gone from my sight but never forgotten. A memory of blood and tissue, and of course my child.

Baby of May / The seas of red washed May onto shore…

So hard to look at, all bloody and small. A baby, can I really call you a baby? Yes, yes. Dare you be anything but the baby that was suppose to be. Dreams, plans, oh so many plans, sacrifices made and others to be, why , oh why could you not hold on? Oh so small, the current was to fast. I can see that holding on was futile but why? Here I held you, fascinated by your perfectly protected home. Swimming in my clinical observations rather than embracing my child.

Baby of May / Mourn on Wednesday ...

What a joke. In a fog, I cleaned my house, read work e-mail and tryed to grieve. Like trying to have great sex when your not in the mood. Grief is not a faucet to be turned on and off. I am not sure how to fit it in my busy life. Will I tuck it way and be grieving forever like leaking tears? No, I say no. I have suffered greater things than this with less transparence. God will provide the windows and I will accept them as a gift of my healing.

Back to work. I put on make-up and dress nice for my 1st day back. Tell everyone in one fell swoop was my plan. Meet eyes with tears once and then get on with it. Remember, “keep your home life at home.”

Baby of May / The wrong person to cry with…

This should have been my husband that I was crying with.

The sadness and pain was all around me but I dare not let it out. Friends to see, love to be shared and children to be cared for. It can wait just one more day. A safe place is where I need to be. Flying soon, I can’t let go yet, it will soon be ok. I hug and hold my children as they sleep a tears fall on their check. Comfort is found in their tenderness. I have beautiful babies.

Baby of May / We can always have another one…

My husbands way of taking the pain away.

Baby of May / I want the telling over with…

Why did I have to tell so many people. I thought that since having a child and miscarriage were so common that dealing with it with others would be easier than less common losses. Well it just isn’t.

People are people and everyone reacts differently to loss even if it isn’t their own. I enter into every new telling with apprehension and fear. Fear of breaking down. Why must I shield my pain? My tears leak regardless of my efforts. Am I really sending people away by trying to hold in what is obviously coming out?

Baby of May / Sheilds Up ...

Who is more afraid of my pain, you or me? Trying so hard to keep it together while telling the world my sad news. Telling as a safeguard against further pain when you ask about my baby or wonder why I seem to have been pregnant for an eternity when I am actually pregnant for the 2nd time.

I hear your heart felt condolences. The 2nd time I see you it is awkward, not wanting to ask how I am, knowing that I may cry or really tell you what is on my mind. We dance around the elephant in the room and when I burst out and tell you your eyes shift in hopes of my bantering lasting only a few moments. I oblige your silent request with a shields up.

Baby of May / What about our babies…

Kay and Reye knew we were expecting. I told them that the baby was very sick and didn’t make it. Baby May is up in heaven. Kay wanted to know what made her sick, when May would be coming down. Kay thought that she had hurt baby May when she jumped on my tummy and Reye said the bad man got the baby. So young yet needing a answer to why we wouldn’t be having this baby.

Baby of May / He’s done, but here for me?

I was sad and felt isolated that my Husband was ready to move on so quickly. We weren’t together when it happened and the grief we shared together seems so guarded. How do I support him in his processing and not have it drive a wedge? God is good, we talked and I shared my disappointment. His heart is still the same but he understands and I feel less alone.

Baby of May / I saw Randy’s tears…

Randy shared with me that he saw baby May as our Guardian Angel. She had a life of no struggle and that is what she wants for all of us.

I pray that we will all feel and rejoice in her presence.

Baby of May / No one to cry with ...

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Why? I had something deep and painful to share just yesterday but I have already moved in my thinking. For the tears aren’t really what I want to share with you, but my story. Permission to be needy, cry, be angry, not work, not fix dinner but most of all to be with the baby I birthed but do not hold. Yes, it takes time but if not given permission to do less their will be no time to give to dignity to the life I once carried. I see now that it is I that had to make give myself permission for you can only validate what I am doing. Thank-you.

“Dwelling on it makes it worse.” Sentiments that I felt from my husband. Loving, meaning well but concerned that I would fall into the glass only to come out angry, griping and without relief. I began to fear his fears only to be tranformed by the process for I am not staying in the anger and the sadness but letting God shed his light and truth on what it really is. Day by day I believe God will show me more and more of his glory in the mist of my spilled milk.

Baby of May / I'm Angry ...

Can’t even get on physically. I have been mad about this since 10/9/04. I was in throbbing pain after going dancing with Kay. How can I move on even in small ways when I still feel pregnant, sometimes worse than pregnant as my body is going to take 4 – 6 weeks to return to normal.

Baby of May / Post partum, with no baby…

To feel where you once resided throbbing, aching without you. A hollow feeling of loss deep within me. I see now that you are leaving your mark inside me. As the days go by and I feel your pounding a little less and less I will remember my womb still trying to hold on to you even after you were gone. For now you are in God’s trusted arms to grow up in the best place you could ever be. You will be in every star I see and each flame I light for when it feels dark I know that you will be shedding your light on me.

Baby of May / I want concrete…

Facts they comfort me when chaos is all that is to be found. Check them off 1, 2, 3:

Not my fault – genetics
Hormonal – normal
Pain 4-6 wks. – normal

Baby of May / Did I cause her death?

It was after a bought of sickness that I lost baby of May. Driven to stay healthy I go to the Med Clinic. As my fear come out as tears and words of apparent ignorance the Doctor reassures me that sickness wouldn't have caused the loss of our precious baby of May. My clinical, rational side felt silly for asking, but something inside needed such affirmation. Angry and frustrated that yet again I would be less than my best for a holiday. To be sick without regret, is something I have yet to learn.

Baby of May / Finding peace…

Image by Kassel via Flickr

Is it God, is it me? His wisdom is being transcended to me, from me, and back again. A circle of love and caring that surrounds me. People, thoughts, picture, my husband and children all have joined this circle to add their part. Praise God, for his peace will carry me.

Baby of May / Joy at Santa’s Ranch

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We had just gone through Santa's Ranch filled with over a Million lights. It was beautiful and we all sang Christmas carols. My heart was full of family joy. God transformed my days of mourning over our baby of May into new hope. I had another chance to co-create with God. My fear that I would never conceived again had vanished. The best part was the revelation that we truly are all children of God like Jesus. The time God’s given me to hold and raise one of His dear ones is the blessing. I would rejoice and hold dear this little life inside me whether it be for 10 weeks or for a life time. Hopefully too be parents again in late August.

12/20/04

Baby of May / Who to tell…

No longer the invincible baby making machine. Humbled by our loss I must choose carefully who we tell that we are only 4 weeks pregnant. After much thought I decided to tell those that are closest to us, for those that would share our sorrow may as well share in our joy.

12/20/04

Baby of May / The best is now for tomorrow may never come…

My 3rd, our baby of May fell into the small box of what I thought the rest of my pregnancies would be. Doctors visits, body changes, loss of self, expensive, exhausting, physically demanding, time consuming with the only real joy to come at the end of the journey. Even after just the short 10 weeks I had with baby May it seemed like an eternity of sacrifice. I was angry that I had lost that time and that I would have to recover, try again then experience at least 9 months of a grueling pregnancy till we could have another baby. I knew nothing of baby May when she went to be with God. This was my grief, this was my sadness. I had to search my soul for any glimpse that God may have shown me. I had been to busy planning the sleeping arraignments, watching the medical bills and stressing out over how our lives would change. A 3rd was out of my comfort zone.

12/27/04

Baby of May / *Knowing the baby within…

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God showed me...

Be not afraid to get to know the child that you carry within. For now is the time that I can share my vision with you for him. For once you start planning for his life and caring for him after birth your ears and eyes will only see what is before you. Don’t fret about tomorrow for you know neither the direction nor the circumstances of your life, only I do. Look beyond this world to see the visions I have for you and your life. A place of no regrets nor sorrows just a perfect peace. This is neither the day nor hour for you to know where your child and mine will carry out his life but a time to see him as I do. Plan not for his arriving for once you start planning you have locked your self into that reality and your fears of it not coming to pass cut off your desire to continue to seek and know them. Hold on loosely to the life you carry. For the joy, and the knowing is best found surrendered to a will that you have yet to know. The world can’t see it but this is where my peace is found. A hammock stretched between heaven and earth where my baby and I reside. To witch side my baby will go I can not know, but for now we will rest in the safety of the in-between. No baby can come with you to the earthen side till it is born so Moms that choose to stay to this side will only ever see a glimpse from a far away place of the baby they carry. This is why the pains of pregnancy and child birth are so strong for most connect to only what they can see and feel on the earthen side. Oh what a dim portrait of what I planned for mothers to see.

12/27/04

Baby of May / God’s Hammock…

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Stay in God’s hammock between heaven and earth is the only place to be. Faith that God’s will is being carried out in both my life and the baby I carry. What a hard place to stay. The bitter truth of our frailties is disheartening. Reality has not changed; I have only entered into it. Oh, how peaceful and safe I felt believing that with each pregnancy I could do it better, that my experience and gained knowledge could save us from sorrow. I trust God with what is best; having all the pieces before him, but this doesn’t change the fact that my baby may not make it. This is maddening Lord. I feel likened to a child pining away to their Father only to be given silence as an answer. The Father says, you may have your baby if it is safe, if you are ready, and if I dare to part with this precious one. But Father, when will it be safe, what must I do to be ready and when will you tell me if you will part with our precious one? Just rest in my peace between heaven and earth and have faith that when my answer comes you can be comforted by them. To be ready my child gaze upon my face for your child is meant for great things that only I can tell you. As I share with you the plans I have for your child, his path will be made clear. Let your pains during this time center you with your baby in the hammock of my love as you surrender to my will between heaven an earth. Oh, Lord please give me the desire to rest in this place of unknown, for this is not where I want to be. Please show me the goodness of your love and light that I know in my head can only be found in you. Help my heart to make that leap.

12/29/04

Baby of May / For one or three ...

Oh, what burdens rise and fall upon me breast as I try to carry the weight of this babe to be. Mine to have, mine to hold, and mine to be blamed if it fall from old. Yes, I have created my own shame and pain by calling it all my own. This burden was never meant to be, for the children we carry have not yet been surrendered from God to me. For God is growing and developing the babe within, and rise or fall it may, but let that not fall upon our hearts for we are not the maker. Peace be still to mothers to be for such guilt was never meant to be. I must care for you and the child to be for I am the maker working inside of thee. Be still and know that I am God for my love is here before thee. Drink at my table, eat of my banquet for health and wealth and vitality is for thee. I have you near to share with me this time of great making of the baby too be, together we must work likened to hand and the foot. You must take us to the places the baby must be, while my hands work the dough inside of thee. Together we must work, yes you and me for I have chosen your womb for this babe to be. For you and me forever will be and this babe a making for one or three. I with my handiwork and you to me, a love, a peace is going to be. Peace be with you as I am working ever so diligently inside of thee. Wow, God just revealed the “One or Three” to mean for God or for me, Randy and the babe. Yes Heaven or Earth.

12/29/05

Baby of May / Shame...

Why do I feel such shame for days such as this? To me they happen to often as of late. Horrible pregnancy of 10 weeks only to end in a bloody mess, 6 weeks of heavy grieving to finally emerge in good spirits for about 6 weeks to find that I am pregnant again. Between the confusion of how to feel about the loss that is still so fresh and the fear that I could loss this one as well I am emotionally bankrupt. The physical signs of pregnancy don’t help as I am nausea in a way I never thought possible. I am now 13 weeks pregnant I am coming into a placing of believing that I will most likely have this baby. Oh, to be so sure, so confident that the baby that I carry will truly be mine. Each day I feel a little bit more confident but it is but a drop compared to the confidence I felt with my last three pregnancies. The joy was clouded. Oh how I want to prepare for this little life but there is no joy in it for the thoughts of the drawers being empty are greater. I feel like Abraham at the alter knife raise over my child waiting the Lords command. I am so tired of hold my hand raised ready to sever my child forever. 2/18/05

Baby of May / Remembrance Service

Today Petra, Kay and I will go to honor the life of our precious baby of May. I with joy at the life that I live and sadness for the life that was lost.

12/5/05