Baby of May / Shame...

Why do I feel such shame for days such as this? To me they happen to often as of late. Horrible pregnancy of 10 weeks only to end in a bloody mess, 6 weeks of heavy grieving to finally emerge in good spirits for about 6 weeks to find that I am pregnant again. Between the confusion of how to feel about the loss that is still so fresh and the fear that I could loss this one as well I am emotionally bankrupt. The physical signs of pregnancy don’t help as I am nausea in a way I never thought possible. I am now 13 weeks pregnant I am coming into a placing of believing that I will most likely have this baby. Oh, to be so sure, so confident that the baby that I carry will truly be mine. Each day I feel a little bit more confident but it is but a drop compared to the confidence I felt with my last three pregnancies. The joy was clouded. Oh how I want to prepare for this little life but there is no joy in it for the thoughts of the drawers being empty are greater. I feel like Abraham at the alter knife raise over my child waiting the Lords command. I am so tired of hold my hand raised ready to sever my child forever. 2/18/05