Writtings of Old / Best Pregnancy Ever 2004

I just posted thoughts I wrote back in 2004 while pregnant with my 3rd, Petra. I posted it with the date I actually wrote it 12/27/2004. This post talks about a renewed excitement for the pregnancy after having lost a baby three months before, when 10 weeks pregnant. Funny part I thought Petra was going to be a boy.

Day to Day / Best Pregnancy

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The Best Pregnancy Ever…

I believe this will be my best pregnancy ever. Wow, how different from my fears after loosing our baby of May. I can see it now.

I thought it could never be better than when I was pregnant with my 1st, Kay. I was excited, I read, journaling all my thoughts and feels but it was mostly about what was happening and changing inside me, the physical changes and the mothering instincts being birthed in me. I remember a few visions of what Kay would be but I started nesting so early that there wasn’t much room for those thoughts.

With my 2nd, Reye, I saw a few picture but actually pushed away thoughts of him as I was busy with a 6 month old and soon their after a demanding family hardship, the mold claim. Nothing was new so I just drifted through, not only the pregnancy but almost the 1st year of his life. He was an easy baby. All during this time I was saddened by this loss of connection but thought it was just the way of the second child, likened to that of your 2nd time to have ice cream. The bewilderment and amazement had worn off, left with only the taste, memory and sensation.

God knew that my hearts desire was to experience each child as it was my 1st. I had prayed this many times. I could never imagine that he could take to place even higher.

My 3rd, our baby of May fell into the small box of what I thought the rest of my pregnancies would be. Doctors visits, body changes, loss of self, expensive, exhausting, physically demanding, time consuming with the only real joy to come at the end of the journey. Even after just the short 10 weeks I had with baby May it seemed like an eternity of sacrifice. I was angry that I had lost that time and that I would have to recover, try again then experience at least 9 months of a grueling pregnancy till we could have another baby. I knew nothing of baby May when she went to be with God. This was my grief, this was my sadness. I had to search my soul for any glimpse that God may have shown me. I had been to busy planning the sleeping arraignments, watching the medical bills and stressing out over how our lives would change. A 3rd was out of my comfort zone. This was for Randy, his desire for a big family. I knew that I loved them once they were born but the fear and drudger of the pregnancy made his desire for a large family less than appealing.

My 4th pregnancy, the protector will definitely be the best pregnancy ever. It doesn’t matter if he fulfills his mission here on earth or on heaven for I am still co-creating him with God for the life he will have. Best of all God has shown me the precious gift of being pregnant. The revelation that life begins at conception and that I can know this little person through Gods revelations, even now. I get to learn how to train him up before he is born. Just as Mary was told of Jesus’ destiny, God desires to share parts of this mystery with all those he breaths life into.

This has also changed my view of the child that I lost. When told that our baby of May would not have made it due to genetic malformations I envisioned that it was God’s grace to have saved all of us from the thousands of malformed, dysfunctional babies born. A tragic gory picture with its only comfort that I wouldn’t have to live it. I believed that God took these poor defenseless, broken children and made them whole in heaven. But likened to my image of the day we would go up to heaven I envisioned that the child would know that it was broken and had to be mended. The child would know the grief of being separated from it’s family, a sad angel at best. Just like the leper that will be disease free when he goes to heaven. Now I see the unborn child differently, there is no imperfection to be found in the child of the womb, just destiny and purpose. God creates some life through us for heaven and some for earth, for we are the bearers of life for both.

I pray that God would begin to reveal the great plan he has for our precious baby of May, her life’s mission where she was destine to live, in heaven.

I think I will seek some Biblical counsel to be sure that this lines up with God’s word. My heart tells me it does, but the word will prove what is true.

Baby of May / For one or three ...

Oh, what burdens rise and fall upon me breast as I try to carry the weight of this babe to be. Mine to have, mine to hold, and mine to be blamed if it fall from old. Yes, I have created my own shame and pain by calling it all my own. This burden was never meant to be, for the children we carry have not yet been surrendered from God to me. For God is growing and developing the babe within, and rise or fall it may, but let that not fall upon our hearts for we are not the maker. Peace be still to mothers to be for such guilt was never meant to be. I must care for you and the child to be for I am the maker working inside of thee. Be still and know that I am God for my love is here before thee. Drink at my table, eat of my banquet for health and wealth and vitality is for thee. I have you near to share with me this time of great making of the baby too be, together we must work likened to hand and the foot. You must take us to the places the baby must be, while my hands work the dough inside of thee. Together we must work, yes you and me for I have chosen your womb for this babe to be. For you and me forever will be and this babe a making for one or three. I with my handiwork and you to me, a love, a peace is going to be. Peace be with you as I am working ever so diligently inside of thee. Wow, God just revealed the “One or Three” to mean for God or for me, Randy and the babe. Yes Heaven or Earth.

12/29/05