Day to Day / Best Pregnancy

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The Best Pregnancy Ever…

I believe this will be my best pregnancy ever. Wow, how different from my fears after loosing our baby of May. I can see it now.

I thought it could never be better than when I was pregnant with my 1st, Kay. I was excited, I read, journaling all my thoughts and feels but it was mostly about what was happening and changing inside me, the physical changes and the mothering instincts being birthed in me. I remember a few visions of what Kay would be but I started nesting so early that there wasn’t much room for those thoughts.

With my 2nd, Reye, I saw a few picture but actually pushed away thoughts of him as I was busy with a 6 month old and soon their after a demanding family hardship, the mold claim. Nothing was new so I just drifted through, not only the pregnancy but almost the 1st year of his life. He was an easy baby. All during this time I was saddened by this loss of connection but thought it was just the way of the second child, likened to that of your 2nd time to have ice cream. The bewilderment and amazement had worn off, left with only the taste, memory and sensation.

God knew that my hearts desire was to experience each child as it was my 1st. I had prayed this many times. I could never imagine that he could take to place even higher.

My 3rd, our baby of May fell into the small box of what I thought the rest of my pregnancies would be. Doctors visits, body changes, loss of self, expensive, exhausting, physically demanding, time consuming with the only real joy to come at the end of the journey. Even after just the short 10 weeks I had with baby May it seemed like an eternity of sacrifice. I was angry that I had lost that time and that I would have to recover, try again then experience at least 9 months of a grueling pregnancy till we could have another baby. I knew nothing of baby May when she went to be with God. This was my grief, this was my sadness. I had to search my soul for any glimpse that God may have shown me. I had been to busy planning the sleeping arraignments, watching the medical bills and stressing out over how our lives would change. A 3rd was out of my comfort zone. This was for Randy, his desire for a big family. I knew that I loved them once they were born but the fear and drudger of the pregnancy made his desire for a large family less than appealing.

My 4th pregnancy, the protector will definitely be the best pregnancy ever. It doesn’t matter if he fulfills his mission here on earth or on heaven for I am still co-creating him with God for the life he will have. Best of all God has shown me the precious gift of being pregnant. The revelation that life begins at conception and that I can know this little person through Gods revelations, even now. I get to learn how to train him up before he is born. Just as Mary was told of Jesus’ destiny, God desires to share parts of this mystery with all those he breaths life into.

This has also changed my view of the child that I lost. When told that our baby of May would not have made it due to genetic malformations I envisioned that it was God’s grace to have saved all of us from the thousands of malformed, dysfunctional babies born. A tragic gory picture with its only comfort that I wouldn’t have to live it. I believed that God took these poor defenseless, broken children and made them whole in heaven. But likened to my image of the day we would go up to heaven I envisioned that the child would know that it was broken and had to be mended. The child would know the grief of being separated from it’s family, a sad angel at best. Just like the leper that will be disease free when he goes to heaven. Now I see the unborn child differently, there is no imperfection to be found in the child of the womb, just destiny and purpose. God creates some life through us for heaven and some for earth, for we are the bearers of life for both.

I pray that God would begin to reveal the great plan he has for our precious baby of May, her life’s mission where she was destine to live, in heaven.

I think I will seek some Biblical counsel to be sure that this lines up with God’s word. My heart tells me it does, but the word will prove what is true.