Baby May

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Where is my manual? How do I deal with the incredible grief and pain felt after losing my precious baby of May. After having two other children I never thought once about having a miscarriage. I was only 10 weeks along. Why does this stress me so? My husband wants to move on, my other kids need me. I have so many question, and don't get me started on how insensitive my Dr. was. I here this is so common so why don't women talk about it? One in five pregnancies that is a lot.

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I lost a baby at 10 weeks back in 2004. I wrote down my experience/healing and have recently placed it on my blog. All my posts are listed under 2004. My hearts desire is to help other women find healing and wholeness and to embrace and celebrate the life that was with them for such a short time.

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God Momments / Sacrifce

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Today at church we were talking about Abraham being called to sacrifice his son. This story brought to my mind the sacrifice felt when caring a child after having had a miscarriage. The loss of baby May happened to me, without warning, I was a victim to it, left to pick up the pieces of my life, changed forever. God gave me much insight during this time and during my subsequent pregnancies.

At church three people shared their similar experiences and it is just waying on my heart just how much I need to get this story out on my blog. My heart and pray is for all women that have lost a baby, walked through a pregnancy not knowing if they would birth a child would feel and know the hand of God. I want them to see what God showed me. Loss will come, tears will fall, pain will be felt, clear to your bones yet joy, peace, love and an awe for life will also be found more deeply than ever known before.

I liken it to the birth of a flower growing under ground before the loss of a baby we only think of the beautiful flower to come from the ground, going out watering, waiting. After the loss of a baby we have been brought in at the ground level. Under ground some times suffocated and intoxicated with the fragrance of life, hoping and praying the weeds don't drown the plant out.

I made it. I have posted my power point presentation "Baby of May". Everything I wrote is under 2004. I put it is reverse order to make the entries easier to read. I couldn't get the clip art to go in but I am sure I will figure that out and add it later.

Writtings of Old / Best Pregnancy Ever 2004

I just posted thoughts I wrote back in 2004 while pregnant with my 3rd, Petra. I posted it with the date I actually wrote it 12/27/2004. This post talks about a renewed excitement for the pregnancy after having lost a baby three months before, when 10 weeks pregnant. Funny part I thought Petra was going to be a boy.

Day to Day / Best Pregnancy

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The Best Pregnancy Ever…

I believe this will be my best pregnancy ever. Wow, how different from my fears after loosing our baby of May. I can see it now.

I thought it could never be better than when I was pregnant with my 1st, Kay. I was excited, I read, journaling all my thoughts and feels but it was mostly about what was happening and changing inside me, the physical changes and the mothering instincts being birthed in me. I remember a few visions of what Kay would be but I started nesting so early that there wasn’t much room for those thoughts.

With my 2nd, Reye, I saw a few picture but actually pushed away thoughts of him as I was busy with a 6 month old and soon their after a demanding family hardship, the mold claim. Nothing was new so I just drifted through, not only the pregnancy but almost the 1st year of his life. He was an easy baby. All during this time I was saddened by this loss of connection but thought it was just the way of the second child, likened to that of your 2nd time to have ice cream. The bewilderment and amazement had worn off, left with only the taste, memory and sensation.

God knew that my hearts desire was to experience each child as it was my 1st. I had prayed this many times. I could never imagine that he could take to place even higher.

My 3rd, our baby of May fell into the small box of what I thought the rest of my pregnancies would be. Doctors visits, body changes, loss of self, expensive, exhausting, physically demanding, time consuming with the only real joy to come at the end of the journey. Even after just the short 10 weeks I had with baby May it seemed like an eternity of sacrifice. I was angry that I had lost that time and that I would have to recover, try again then experience at least 9 months of a grueling pregnancy till we could have another baby. I knew nothing of baby May when she went to be with God. This was my grief, this was my sadness. I had to search my soul for any glimpse that God may have shown me. I had been to busy planning the sleeping arraignments, watching the medical bills and stressing out over how our lives would change. A 3rd was out of my comfort zone. This was for Randy, his desire for a big family. I knew that I loved them once they were born but the fear and drudger of the pregnancy made his desire for a large family less than appealing.

My 4th pregnancy, the protector will definitely be the best pregnancy ever. It doesn’t matter if he fulfills his mission here on earth or on heaven for I am still co-creating him with God for the life he will have. Best of all God has shown me the precious gift of being pregnant. The revelation that life begins at conception and that I can know this little person through Gods revelations, even now. I get to learn how to train him up before he is born. Just as Mary was told of Jesus’ destiny, God desires to share parts of this mystery with all those he breaths life into.

This has also changed my view of the child that I lost. When told that our baby of May would not have made it due to genetic malformations I envisioned that it was God’s grace to have saved all of us from the thousands of malformed, dysfunctional babies born. A tragic gory picture with its only comfort that I wouldn’t have to live it. I believed that God took these poor defenseless, broken children and made them whole in heaven. But likened to my image of the day we would go up to heaven I envisioned that the child would know that it was broken and had to be mended. The child would know the grief of being separated from it’s family, a sad angel at best. Just like the leper that will be disease free when he goes to heaven. Now I see the unborn child differently, there is no imperfection to be found in the child of the womb, just destiny and purpose. God creates some life through us for heaven and some for earth, for we are the bearers of life for both.

I pray that God would begin to reveal the great plan he has for our precious baby of May, her life’s mission where she was destine to live, in heaven.

I think I will seek some Biblical counsel to be sure that this lines up with God’s word. My heart tells me it does, but the word will prove what is true.

Baby of May

12 August 2004 – 3 October 2004
By: Christy Klepetko (MOM)

Baby of May / The day you were conceived…

You were to be our 1st planned pregnancy. The IUD out on July 21st and I knew that August 12th could be the day. The kids in bed, Randy and I sharing kisses on the couch. A night to remember, nothing special, no candle light just the love shared after 5 years and two kids.

Baby of May / I knew you were apart of me…

Within four days I could feel my body making room for you. So excited and hopeful. I wanted to know right away. My lower back was tingling and I felt like I was swimming in the clouds. A new life had come to grow inside of me!

Baby of May / The pregnancy tests…

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In my excitement, and need for a confirmed explanation for all my symptoms, I took at least four home test and two at the Doctor’s office. Finally to have an answer on September 8th.

Baby of May / 1st trimester pains…

I had all kinds of fears that their might be something wrong. I was having 2-3 days at a time of right sided pain, pain when breathing, back and abdominal pain. I read my books and felt there was no cause for alarm as the pain was always mid – low grade and would stop after a couple hours or days. The Doctor told me that I was probably ok. We would do an early ultrasound but it was too early to see anything. I pushed these thoughts away to move on to happy ones.

Baby of May / I’m Invincible, let’s tell everyone …

Pains aside I knew that everything would be ok and soon we would have THREE lovely children. I was invincible. My body was good at making and caring for babies. Nothing would get in the way of this truth. I was helping to make Randy’s dreams come true for a large family. Stepping out into the unknown. Having been apart of a family with just one brother. Three was going to be a big change.

Baby of May / Where to delivery, changing OBs…

Our new insurance at CSRHC would pay very little of the birth if I stayed with my OB, Dr. Vernon Theis and delivered at NCBH. I struggled with spending the money to have him as my Doctor. This was a real sacrifice of time trying to fully understand our insurance and then calling prospective OB’s.

Baby of May / How old are you really?

Dr. Theis moved the due date by 11 days.
EDD: 5/7/04
EDD: 5/18/04

Baby of May / Everyone is sick ...

Just days before our trip to see my family in Indpls. IN everyone came down with a bad head cold. Coughing, sneezing, runny rose, the works. I was determined to get work taken care of, get everyone health and have a good time with my family.

Baby of May / Sleeping in a new place ...

Poor babies, were not so sure about going to sleep in Grandma’s bed. The door closed and up stairs. After seeing Reye’s sad eyes I decided to lay down with each child till they drifted off. What a tender time. I was happy that Kay was doing ok considering her dog allergy. Soon it would be my turn to sleep.

Baby of May / Well enough to travel…

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What a day, two kids, two car seats and two bags. Up at 5 am and on the plane by 8 am. Between all three of us in the airplane bathroom, my bag of tricks, and running time when we changed flights, we all made it. The nausea was running high, as unusual and I was exhausted.

Baby of May / Grandma Lightfoot’s House…

Baby of May / I’m sure it’s nothing, I’m bleeding…

Midnight, fast asleep I awake to go to the bathroom. I feel something strange and decide I better turn the light on. Sure enough, I’m bleeding. Too tired to think about it, I go back to bed. Certainly it is just the extra strain of travel. It will be over by morning.

Baby of May / It's Morning

The bleeding is so slight and my pain is minimal, I am sure that everything is ok. I sure wish I was home to see my OB. We call my Mom’s OB and she says to just take it easy. We take the kids to the park and my Mom takes off to a Doctor’s appointment of her own. No one to talk to I feel very isolated in this BIG beautiful park. Wondering how I am to relax with two little one’s that want to swing and no place to sit.

Baby of May / 12 hours later in the ER…

Well hours pass with no change so I call my OB in Texas to get some nurse that can only give me a vague answer but directs me to the ER.

Mixed news, cervix in tacked, HGL ok but low. I am to stay low. He must be joking. How do I do that while out of town with family I am just mending relationships with. I am certainly not going to lay around and ask to be waited on. The Doctor said that if it is going to happen there is nothing I can do about it anyway. In that case I may as well put it on the back burner and try and have a good time.

Baby of May / Staying low ...

To top it off on the stress load my Mom is criticizing me for not being more open and telling everyone that I was on my way to the hospital for a possible miscarriage. Yes let’s have Christy loss it with family she talks with maybe quarterly.

Still at the hospital I am informed that my Dad, that is separated from my Mom and getting stranger and stranger since his brain injury is going to meet us at the house after she picks me up from the hospital. Yes I said picks me up. We certainly couldn’t have the kids running about the hospital while she holds my hand. I love her and even like her but to console me during me deepest hour was just not something I could receive nor is it something she can really give. History doesn’t lie. We leak but never cry, smile rather than scream and grip the seat to pounding our fists.