ASL Shame Reclaimed

Image by danielweir.esq via Flickr

I am just so excited about how God spoke to me tonight through an old, old friend and then at tonight's prayer meeting at church. I just couldn't understand why I was feeling such shame over the way I thougth I was looked at by friends I haven't seen or heard from in 25 years. It finally dawned on me. I came to know Jesus as my Savior on my trip to Spain just before moving to the states. My days at ASL were full of great exploits. Amazing trips. Incredible passions but the pain of broken relationships, hurtful words spoken riped me like a knife because during that whole time I had no one to go to on those dark days. When I was lonely I grew cold and hard inside for I had nothing but myself to draw from.

What joy, what peace for this was not the end of my story. It was just the drawing of my heart to an ever present living God. How perfect for I was given so much during that grand season. Travel, money to spend, entertainment, friends and lovers but they all left my heart wanting and lonely when the high of the event was over. Three years of carousing, drinking and playing all came under a new light in Spain. I was free from needing to fit in. For their I found my one true love that has never left my side. Jesus. I am so thankful for this reminder of how and why I reached my hand out to God and never looked back. Oh to relieve those days with the love of Jesus in my heart. What a blessing that would have been.

Does this mean I wouldn't have kissed, drank or ran the streets of London with my friends? I think not. I believe I would have made a few better choices but I still would have been a women of great passion. I still would have loved those around me. The difference would lye in what to do with my tears at the end of the day. It would have given me the strength to see past the steely eyes of those that hated me. I would see the wounding of their hearts, felt compassion where once was hatred. Vindication would no longer be in my heart for the Father would have wiped their sin from my heart. I would have had the freedom to be who God has created me to be without fear of judgement by others. Praise God for that is the life that I have been living for the past 25 years. Running to God at the end of the hard days, praising him in the victories.