What does it mean to be a mother? Is it at all what we thought it would be. Nine years latter can I even remember what I thought it would be. Motherhood has become for me about an amazing love and affection felt and realized in the craziest of times. It is the abandonment to that love that touches the deepest part of me. My 3 year old that absolutely melts down as I drive away for a few hours. I didn't sneak out the door and forget to say goodbye. No. I had given all the kisses and hugs inside. Then I watched with a heart so full as she runs full tilt toward the car with tears running down her face. "Hug mommy, Hug Mommy. Bye, Mommy, I will always love you."
It is my love for them that turns my own pain and discomfort off so that my kids can have a fun, safe day. Only after going swimming, fixing lunch, changing diapers, picking up my daughter, visiting a dance studio, feeding the family do I allow myself to fully recognize my need to see a doctor. Out of love for my family I go to an unfamiliar Doctor at the Med Clinic so that I will be available to my family tomorrow. This is often what motherhood is about for me. A sacrifice of self but with such an open heart and desire for closeness that to be selfish would be the thing that would bring me to tears.
I need moment away from them asking a hundred questions, fighting, lazily doing chores but I never tire of them sitting close on the couch, looking into my eyes, hugging me. I have never laughed as much as I have with my kids and would sacrifice sleep for more of it if I didn't have to make sure they got sleep. When they ask to stay up late and I say no, I hope they see that my heart could spend every minute with them. Yes this is a mothers love.
I use to think that motherhood was about being on the floor playing with my kids. I still yearn for more of such time with each of my kids but I have realized that playing is really where my kids learn to act out what they are seeing and hearing. They copy me mopping, yelling, and nurturing each other. I am thankful that my play is now more from the sidelines watching them interact with their environment and mimicking me.
an interesting book on the difference between the reality of motherhood, and the fantasy of what motherhood is constured to be is "the mommy myth".
ReplyDeletei think you'd like it. =)