Baby of May

12 August 2004 – 3 October 2004
By: Christy Klepetko (MOM)

Baby of May / The day you were conceived…

You were to be our 1st planned pregnancy. The IUD out on July 21st and I knew that August 12th could be the day. The kids in bed, Randy and I sharing kisses on the couch. A night to remember, nothing special, no candle light just the love shared after 5 years and two kids.

Baby of May / I knew you were apart of me…

Within four days I could feel my body making room for you. So excited and hopeful. I wanted to know right away. My lower back was tingling and I felt like I was swimming in the clouds. A new life had come to grow inside of me!

Baby of May / The pregnancy tests…

Image via Wikipedia

In my excitement, and need for a confirmed explanation for all my symptoms, I took at least four home test and two at the Doctor’s office. Finally to have an answer on September 8th.

Baby of May / 1st trimester pains…

I had all kinds of fears that their might be something wrong. I was having 2-3 days at a time of right sided pain, pain when breathing, back and abdominal pain. I read my books and felt there was no cause for alarm as the pain was always mid – low grade and would stop after a couple hours or days. The Doctor told me that I was probably ok. We would do an early ultrasound but it was too early to see anything. I pushed these thoughts away to move on to happy ones.

Baby of May / I’m Invincible, let’s tell everyone …

Pains aside I knew that everything would be ok and soon we would have THREE lovely children. I was invincible. My body was good at making and caring for babies. Nothing would get in the way of this truth. I was helping to make Randy’s dreams come true for a large family. Stepping out into the unknown. Having been apart of a family with just one brother. Three was going to be a big change.

Baby of May / Where to delivery, changing OBs…

Our new insurance at CSRHC would pay very little of the birth if I stayed with my OB, Dr. Vernon Theis and delivered at NCBH. I struggled with spending the money to have him as my Doctor. This was a real sacrifice of time trying to fully understand our insurance and then calling prospective OB’s.

Baby of May / How old are you really?

Dr. Theis moved the due date by 11 days.
EDD: 5/7/04
EDD: 5/18/04

Baby of May / Everyone is sick ...

Just days before our trip to see my family in Indpls. IN everyone came down with a bad head cold. Coughing, sneezing, runny rose, the works. I was determined to get work taken care of, get everyone health and have a good time with my family.

Baby of May / Sleeping in a new place ...

Poor babies, were not so sure about going to sleep in Grandma’s bed. The door closed and up stairs. After seeing Reye’s sad eyes I decided to lay down with each child till they drifted off. What a tender time. I was happy that Kay was doing ok considering her dog allergy. Soon it would be my turn to sleep.

Baby of May / Well enough to travel…

Image via Wikipedia

What a day, two kids, two car seats and two bags. Up at 5 am and on the plane by 8 am. Between all three of us in the airplane bathroom, my bag of tricks, and running time when we changed flights, we all made it. The nausea was running high, as unusual and I was exhausted.

Baby of May / Grandma Lightfoot’s House…

Baby of May / I’m sure it’s nothing, I’m bleeding…

Midnight, fast asleep I awake to go to the bathroom. I feel something strange and decide I better turn the light on. Sure enough, I’m bleeding. Too tired to think about it, I go back to bed. Certainly it is just the extra strain of travel. It will be over by morning.

Baby of May / It's Morning

The bleeding is so slight and my pain is minimal, I am sure that everything is ok. I sure wish I was home to see my OB. We call my Mom’s OB and she says to just take it easy. We take the kids to the park and my Mom takes off to a Doctor’s appointment of her own. No one to talk to I feel very isolated in this BIG beautiful park. Wondering how I am to relax with two little one’s that want to swing and no place to sit.

Baby of May / 12 hours later in the ER…

Well hours pass with no change so I call my OB in Texas to get some nurse that can only give me a vague answer but directs me to the ER.

Mixed news, cervix in tacked, HGL ok but low. I am to stay low. He must be joking. How do I do that while out of town with family I am just mending relationships with. I am certainly not going to lay around and ask to be waited on. The Doctor said that if it is going to happen there is nothing I can do about it anyway. In that case I may as well put it on the back burner and try and have a good time.

Baby of May / Staying low ...

To top it off on the stress load my Mom is criticizing me for not being more open and telling everyone that I was on my way to the hospital for a possible miscarriage. Yes let’s have Christy loss it with family she talks with maybe quarterly.

Still at the hospital I am informed that my Dad, that is separated from my Mom and getting stranger and stranger since his brain injury is going to meet us at the house after she picks me up from the hospital. Yes I said picks me up. We certainly couldn’t have the kids running about the hospital while she holds my hand. I love her and even like her but to console me during me deepest hour was just not something I could receive nor is it something she can really give. History doesn’t lie. We leak but never cry, smile rather than scream and grip the seat to pounding our fists.

Baby of May / It's a new day ...

The Hospital stay wasn’t really all that bad. We did what made sense. The kids were safe with mom and I knew they were in a better place than by my side. I’m a Mom not only to my baby of May but to Kay and Reye.

Baby of May / Dad’s visit came out good…

Support is found in the smiles of my children.

Thanks to Mom and Dad.

Baby of May / Watch, wait and PRAY!!!

Image via Wikipedia

Going to the bathroom became an investigation. Is this a clot, no just a stringy bloody thing. No, I don’t see any tissue on the tissue. Stand up investigate the commode. Four days of checking and praying. Sometimes just to numb to pray and not knowing what to pray. For what’s best, no I just wanted it to be over as usual just let the baby be fine or let’s move on.

Baby of May / The truly happy times…

Greg, Laura, Michael, David, Danielle, Kay & Reye

Baby of May / Happy in the mist of lonely tears…

Image by Chrstopher via Flickr

I felt like a run away train on a mission of family and fun, but “by the way I am still bleeding today”. We went to the museum, the park, down town Indpls., a health fare and just talked about life. My potential miscarriage was but an item on the menu. Maturity, stupidity, survival who’s to say. I think my “Happy Face” says is all. It just sucks.

Baby of May / Help, but only if you want to…

If we only appeared this small in times of need. Rejection, criticism, flat out refusal cause me to ask for help in a soft voice. Physical burden in times of physical pain is often easier to carry than the rejection from a loved one. My mom was willing to help but I had to ask each time. Jokes were told at my expense. “Well I guess I can change his diapers.” and “We will find a way to get you home if you have real problems.” I didn’t even ask for me and the kids to stay longer but I knew that I would be airlifted at any expense. But all in good fun. What is the reason for such joking?

Baby of May / Baby of May, please hold on …

Sunday morning in my brother’s church I was fighting for my baby. Praying earnestly that she HOLD ON. I could see this sea of blood just trying to wash her away. I knew that it was just a matter of time. Holding on was soon to be out of anyone’s control.

Baby of May / Holliday Park…

It was a joy to be with my family, everyone playing, laughing and rejoicing with the lives that we all share.

Baby of May / Great Lightfoot Family Day…

We had a wonderful meal together and even when the kids got squirmy everyone just pitched in. What a load off.

Baby of May / Fishing for May…

The toilet, the toilet. My precious child fell into the toilet. I knew that if this were to happen that yes baby May would fall into the toilet, but at the moment it happened, how undignified, how shameful and embracing to have to pull your child from the toilet. Snatch her up as quickly as I could. A styrofoam cup in a pool of human waste. I saved my child from this place to stare upon this jiggle matter of blood and tissue. Once a pray was offered I had to let baby may go from hence she came. A clean bowl of water to be washed away once more. Gone from my sight but never forgotten. A memory of blood and tissue, and of course my child.

Baby of May / The seas of red washed May onto shore…

So hard to look at, all bloody and small. A baby, can I really call you a baby? Yes, yes. Dare you be anything but the baby that was suppose to be. Dreams, plans, oh so many plans, sacrifices made and others to be, why , oh why could you not hold on? Oh so small, the current was to fast. I can see that holding on was futile but why? Here I held you, fascinated by your perfectly protected home. Swimming in my clinical observations rather than embracing my child.

Baby of May / Mourn on Wednesday ...

What a joke. In a fog, I cleaned my house, read work e-mail and tryed to grieve. Like trying to have great sex when your not in the mood. Grief is not a faucet to be turned on and off. I am not sure how to fit it in my busy life. Will I tuck it way and be grieving forever like leaking tears? No, I say no. I have suffered greater things than this with less transparence. God will provide the windows and I will accept them as a gift of my healing.

Back to work. I put on make-up and dress nice for my 1st day back. Tell everyone in one fell swoop was my plan. Meet eyes with tears once and then get on with it. Remember, “keep your home life at home.”

Baby of May / The wrong person to cry with…

This should have been my husband that I was crying with.

The sadness and pain was all around me but I dare not let it out. Friends to see, love to be shared and children to be cared for. It can wait just one more day. A safe place is where I need to be. Flying soon, I can’t let go yet, it will soon be ok. I hug and hold my children as they sleep a tears fall on their check. Comfort is found in their tenderness. I have beautiful babies.

Baby of May / We can always have another one…

My husbands way of taking the pain away.

Baby of May / I want the telling over with…

Why did I have to tell so many people. I thought that since having a child and miscarriage were so common that dealing with it with others would be easier than less common losses. Well it just isn’t.

People are people and everyone reacts differently to loss even if it isn’t their own. I enter into every new telling with apprehension and fear. Fear of breaking down. Why must I shield my pain? My tears leak regardless of my efforts. Am I really sending people away by trying to hold in what is obviously coming out?

Baby of May / Sheilds Up ...

Who is more afraid of my pain, you or me? Trying so hard to keep it together while telling the world my sad news. Telling as a safeguard against further pain when you ask about my baby or wonder why I seem to have been pregnant for an eternity when I am actually pregnant for the 2nd time.

I hear your heart felt condolences. The 2nd time I see you it is awkward, not wanting to ask how I am, knowing that I may cry or really tell you what is on my mind. We dance around the elephant in the room and when I burst out and tell you your eyes shift in hopes of my bantering lasting only a few moments. I oblige your silent request with a shields up.

Baby of May / What about our babies…

Kay and Reye knew we were expecting. I told them that the baby was very sick and didn’t make it. Baby May is up in heaven. Kay wanted to know what made her sick, when May would be coming down. Kay thought that she had hurt baby May when she jumped on my tummy and Reye said the bad man got the baby. So young yet needing a answer to why we wouldn’t be having this baby.

Baby of May / He’s done, but here for me?

I was sad and felt isolated that my Husband was ready to move on so quickly. We weren’t together when it happened and the grief we shared together seems so guarded. How do I support him in his processing and not have it drive a wedge? God is good, we talked and I shared my disappointment. His heart is still the same but he understands and I feel less alone.

Baby of May / I saw Randy’s tears…

Randy shared with me that he saw baby May as our Guardian Angel. She had a life of no struggle and that is what she wants for all of us.

I pray that we will all feel and rejoice in her presence.

Baby of May / No one to cry with ...

Image by radarxlove via Flickr

Why? I had something deep and painful to share just yesterday but I have already moved in my thinking. For the tears aren’t really what I want to share with you, but my story. Permission to be needy, cry, be angry, not work, not fix dinner but most of all to be with the baby I birthed but do not hold. Yes, it takes time but if not given permission to do less their will be no time to give to dignity to the life I once carried. I see now that it is I that had to make give myself permission for you can only validate what I am doing. Thank-you.

“Dwelling on it makes it worse.” Sentiments that I felt from my husband. Loving, meaning well but concerned that I would fall into the glass only to come out angry, griping and without relief. I began to fear his fears only to be tranformed by the process for I am not staying in the anger and the sadness but letting God shed his light and truth on what it really is. Day by day I believe God will show me more and more of his glory in the mist of my spilled milk.